THE WEST WING "PROCESS STORIES" TELEPLAY BY: AARON SORKIN STORY BY: PAULA YOO & LAUREN SCHMIDT DIRECTED BY: CHRISTOPHER MISIANO TEASER ELECTION NIGHT 12:15 A.M. FADE IN: INT. NORTHWEST LOBBY - NIGHT JULIE (REPORTER ON TV) ...and we still have-- I want to remind our viewers-- we still have three House races undecided as we've been reporting. Those would be Tennessee second, New York 22nd and the race that's been dubbed Lazarus 47 in some circles, the race for California's 47th Congressional District between the six-term incumbent Republican Chuck Webb and Democrat Horton Wilde who passed away some three weeks ago, but whose name remains on the ballot. George, which is stranger? That a Democrat is competitive in Orange County or that the Democrat in question is...? I don't mean to make light of this of course, but the candidate passed away. GEORGE (on TV) They're both pretty strange Julie, but for a Democrat to win the 47th, he's going to have to have something going for him, and this was it. JULIE (on TV) Martin, how important were the candidate's performances in the debate? MARTIN (on TV) Well, I'll tell you how important. On the day before the debate, the President held a three-point lead in most polls and that's within the margin of error-- a statistical tie. Among those who said they were undecided, 73% said they made up there minds based on the debates and 69% of that population went for the President. And that's how... MARTIN (on TV) That's how the President won. JULIE (on TV) What is Governor Ritchie thinking...? CUT TO: INT. TOBY'S OFFICE - NIGHT SAM He said... what he said was this-- he said, "A probable impossibility is preferable to an improbable possibility." The impossible is preferable to the improbable. What did he mean? He meant that it's okay to have a broomstick sing and dance, but you shouldn't turn on the radio and hear the news report you need to hear. DONNA Want some cake? SAM No. DONNA You sure? SAM What kind? DONNA Cake. SAM They have flavors. DONNA I don't know. SAM It was a confluence of events that I'm saying, if you pitched it to a Hollywood movie producer, they'd tell you that Aristotle says, a probable impossibility is preferable to an improbable possibility. DONNA It doesn't quite sound like them. SAM The Midwest, the RNC exits, a dead candidate, a rainstorm...? It's Aristotle all over the place. DONNA I'm going to turn these off. Why don't you head out into the party? Everyone's asking for you. SAM You really don't know what kind...? DONNA It's cake! It's cake. SAM I talked to the woman. She had tears in her voice. Her husband loved the President, admired his integrity. Yes, we're big on integrity. By the way, when I said I'd run in his place, it's not like I meant it. DONNA [takes his hand] Let's go to the party. There are televisions everywhere. You'll know as soon as they're ready to report something from the 47th. SAM You're right. Sam and Donna walk out of the office into the COMMUNICATIONS OFFICE. JULIE (on TV) And we're ready to report some news from the House race in the California 47th where the impossible seems to be happening and we send it to Gail Mackee who's standing in Newport Beach. Gail? GAIL (on TV) Julie, I'm at the Hyatt in Newport Beach with the Horton Wilde campaign and the place is going absolutely berserk. Kay Wilde, the widow... SAM Bonnie, Ginger, get me Will Bailey. Get me Kay Wilde very quickly, please. JULIE (on TV) ...of the Democratic challenger just received a phone call from Congressman Chuck Webb. He's conceding the election, thanking Mrs. Wilde for a well-fought campaign... SAM Get Will Bailey, please. Got to get him. JULIE (on TV) ...and looking forward, he says he's looking forward to running in a special election. JULIE Gail, is there any word on who the Democrats might run in the special election? SAM Get him. Got to get him. GAIL (on TV) No, there isn't. Not yet. But I can report a rumor that's been making its way around... SAM Of course you can. Why not? GAIL (on TV) ...the former Orange County resident and current White House Senior Advisor Sam Seaborn will seek the seat. It goes absolutely quiet in the Bullpen. BERNIE (on TV) And the plot thickens. JULIE (on TV) Sam Seaborn, of course, an architect of the President's first victory as well as his-- I think we have to start calling it a landslide-- tonight. SAM They're talking about someone else. JULIE (on TV) I'm told that we've got a picture we're going to throw up on the screen. BERNIE (on TV) Julie, I have to interrupt. I just have to say if this rumor is true... SAM Yeah, okay. Anyone know where Toby and Josh and C.J. are? Hey! Toby! Josh! C.J.! Does anyone...? LARRY They're over in the thing. Sam runs off to go find Toby, Josh and C.J. BERNIE (on TV) ...view the California 47th the same way the Democrats view the New York 16th. They see it as unlosable. CUT TO: INT. NORTHWEST LOBBY - CONTINUOUS Sam is looking for Josh, C.J., and Toby. SAM Hi. BERNIE (on TV) I mean the Democrats have not only never won the 47th, they've never even been a factor. Sam has now made it to JOSH'S BULLPEN AREA. JULIE (on TV) So who is this Sam Seaborn? He has been an integral part of the President's inner circle since joining the Bartlet campaign after several years at a New York law firm, Gage, Whitney, Pace. He's a graduate... Sam arrives at C.J.'S OFFICE. C.J. Josh, Sam Donaldson from the ABC Nightly News program's on the phone. He'd like to know if the President is endorsing Sam. JOSH Toby, is the President endorsing Sam? Hmm? Is the President endorsing Sam? TOBY I don't know. He's asleep, but let's go ask him. Toby, Josh, and C.J. start to get up. SAM All right. Sam slams the door shut to C.J.'s office before they can exit. SMASH CUT TO: MAIN TITLES. END TEASER * * * ACT ONE FADE IN: INT. C.J.'S OFFICE - NIGHT SAM All right, look, this is extremely easy to explain. First of all... okay... How familiar are the three of you with Aristotle? JOSH You agreed to run? TOBY Sam, what the hell...! SAM I said it for the widow. She wanted a name for election night and I said, "Use my name," not thinking for a second it was ever going to be a practical option. Can I ask, is your office now The House of Rising Sun? C.J. Yes. TOBY You did it for the widow. SAM Yes, and for a guy I met named Will Bailey who was running the campaign and worked his ass off and never backed off and, by the way, navigated a dead liberal Democrat to a win against Chuck Webb! Five hundred races tonight, that was pretty impressive. Though it was an Aristotlian confluence of events that could only happen to me. I have to talk to the widow. C.J. I would actually talk to the President first. SAM Really? C.J. He's going to get it first thing in the morning. There's a seat in play. He's going to be asked about it and he can't say, you know, "My God, I have no earthly idea what you're talking about." SAM Okay. Yeah, all right. CUT TO: INT. THE PRESIDENT'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Love me, my love And say you're mine Kiss me and hold me tight BARTLET I don't want to intimidate you, but it turns out I'm the first Democrat in twenty years to make a clean sweep of the Plains states and I'm not just talking about Iowa and Nebraska. ABBEY Are you trying to turn me on now? BARTLET Yeah. ABBEY All right. BARTLET I won the Dakotas. The Badlands. The Black Hills. But let's go down, way down, to the Deep South and the humid bayou of Louisiana and its nine electoral votes. What manner of man it must take to win the state, which, by the way, is the only one operating under the Napoleonic Code of France and I still don't know what that's all about, but back to me... ABBEY Hon, is this like nerd hot talk? BARTLET Who's your Commander in Chief? ABBEY You are. BARTLET Yes. And do the ladies like him? Oh, yes. To the tune of 58%. There's a knock at the door. BARTLET Yeah? Charlie enters. CHARLIE I'm sorry, sir. BARTLET I thought we had an understanding with regard to tonight and interruptions, Charlie. I thought we were men. CHARLIE Yes. I'm sorry, but Sam said... BARTLET Sam needs to see me? CHARLIE Yes, sir. BARTLET It's like what, 1:00 in the morning? CHARLIE Yes, sir. BARTLET Well, let's send him in. SAM Good evening, Mr. President. BARTLET Good to see you. SAM I hope I'm not here at a bad time. BARTLET No, what would make you say that? SAM Actually, it looks as if I couldn't have picked a worse time. BARTLET No, no, you could have and I'm not going to take any chances, so let's do it now. SAM Horton Wilde won in the 47th. BARTLET I know. SAM There's going to be a special election. BARTLET Yeah. SAM And uh, to make a long story short, you might be asked first thing tomorrow if you're endorsing me. BARTLET Am I. SAM Well, I'm not really running. BARTLET Then, I'm behind you 100%. SAM Look... BARTLET Man, is everything all right? SAM Yeah, I made a promise to the widow in a moment of... Abbey comes out of the bathroom with only a pajama shirt on. ABBEY Hello, Mr. President. SAM Hey, Mrs. Bartlet. ABBEY Oh, my God. BARTLET Yeah, look, honey, Sam stopped by. ABBEY Hi, Sam. SAM Hi. BARTLET Eyes front, mister. SAM You know, sir, I'll have this taken care of in the next few hours anyway. You don't even need to worry about it. BARTLET You sure you're okay? SAM Yes, sir. BARTLET Okay. SAM This Dean Martin? BARTLET Yeah. SAM Good. BARTLET Thank you. SAM Thank you, Mr. President. Sam exits the President's bedroom into the HALLWAY where Bonnie and Ginger are waiting. SAM Could you keep trying Will Bailey, please? BONNIE Yeah. CUT TO: INT. WYATT VICTORY PARTY, 1:15 A.M. TOM Congratulations! TOBY Hey, you too, Tom. TOM And congratulations on the other thing there, Papa. TOBY Yeah. Any idea where Mama is? TOM Uh, right over there. ANDY The great state of Maryland! ALL Maryland! TOBY Andy! Andy, don't drink that... ANDY Mmm! It's ginger ale, crazy boy. TOBY Yeah, okay, ginger ale can be bad according to the latest studies. It can be very... ANDY My man got the President reelected tonight. The crowd cheers and Andy kisses Toby. TOBY That was very pleasant. Can I talk to you for a second? ANDY Yeah. TOBY You won by 85% of the vote. ANDY I don't really understand the 15%, but what the hell. TOBY Yeah, well, as long as you scraped by with a win. Look, a-a statement. ANDY We've already been through this. TOBY Roll Call has it. that's why we have to deal with it. ANDY I don't. TOBY Congresswoman Wyatt, are you pregnant? ANDY None of your business. TOBY You can't withhold that from your constituents. ANDY That reminds me, did you hear the rumor that the President has multiple sclerosis and never told anyone? TOBY Yeah, did you hear the rumour that there was a Congressional investigation and it almost detonated his Presidency? ANDY You're worried about me? I just won by 85%. TOBY I'm not worried about you. ANDY I know. You're worried about a senior counselor fathering kids out of wedlock. TOBY Yeah, you know what? Single moms are a lot more sympathetic than deadbeat dads, so I wouldn't gallivant. ANDY You're not a deadbeat dad. TOBY I know that, and you know that, but if I can't protect my kids, their mom, and the President all at the same time, then I've got to quit my job, so can you help me out? ANDY Yes. TOBY You'll make a statement? ANDY No, but when they ask me who the father is, I won't tell them that, either. TOBY I'm the father! ANDY And of course, you're at your leisure to tell them that. TOBY Eighty-five percent of what kind of backward population votes for this woman? ANDY The good people of Maryland. She turns around to the crowd and yells. ANDY Maryland! ALL Maryland! CUT TO: EXT. PORTICO - NIGHT Leo and Jordan are dancing. There's a somebody I'm longing to see... LEO Woman. Yes, indeed, ma'am. 58%. But, let's take a trip down Louisiana way, huh? Where we find it's nine electoral votes go to... JORDAN Leo? LEO Yeah? JORDAN If you walk me through every demographic I think the night's not going to have the kind of happy ending you're hoping for. LEO Got it. Good tip. Keep 'em coming. JORDAN Colonel. LEO Yes ma'am. JORDAN No. They stop dancing and Leo turns around to se COLONEL WHITCOMB standing in the doorway. COLONEL WHITCOMB Hey. LEO How you doing? WHITCOMB Pretty good. You got a second? LEO Yeah. They walk inside the OUTER OVAL OFFICE. WHITCOMB There's gunfire in Caracas and Merida and Velencia. There's movement in Acuellar, Coroico, Ciudad Alto and Parado Negro bases. LEO What about GV? WHITCOMB They stopped broadcasting. LEO Are you ready to brief? WHITCOMB 15 minutes? LEO Yeah. Leo walks back to the PORTICO where Jordan is waiting. LEO Can you hang around for a minute? There's about to be a coup in Venezeula. JORDAN Yeah. LEO Thanks. FADE OUT. END ACT ONE * * * ACT TWO FADE IN: INT. C.J.'S OFFICE - NIGHT Carol, Ed, Larry and several other staffers are singing a song, while C.J. is trying to watch the TV. STAFFERS "It's been the ruin of many a poor boy... C.J. Shh. Hey, hey, hey, with the singing of the song! JULIE (ON TV) Walk us through, if you can, the tea leaves. What were the indicators for you? CHRIS WHITAKER High gas prices, and instability in the Gulf region and so, we recommended to the President that he make energy a hot topic for the campaign. JULIE And obviously a winning strategy. A lot of people say this is a President who, more than anyone since Truman maybe, run his own campaign. Is that true? CHRIS Yeah. We all give advices, but, uh, this President calls his own shots. C.J. Does anyone know who this is? JOSH I don't... I think he won the election. C.J. It sounds like he did very well. LARRY I think that's Chris Whitaker. JOSH It is. He's a pollster. LARRY He's a pollster that Bruno contracted out of Illinois. JULIE ...enjoy that Jed Bartlet packs a strong... C.J. Excuse me. Don't break things. C.J. gets up and leaves her office. CUT TO: INT. NORTHWEST LOBBY - NIGHT ASHLEY Do you realize, you won all the Plain states but the Dakotas? BRUNO Hmm. We won the Dakotas. ASHLEY I didn't even realize that. BRUNO Yep, we won the Dakotas tonight, the Badlands. C.J. Bruno. BRUNO Sitting Bull is buried up there. (to C.J.) Hello. C.J. Excuse me. BRUNO This... uh, this is, uh, Ashley, assistant to Jane Zalaznick at the Women's Leadership Coalition. C.J. C.J. ASHLEY Nice to meet you. C.J. You got a second? BRUNO Yeah. C.J. and Bruno walk away. BRUNO Carloads of partygoers from the Women's Leadership Coalition and the Women's Action Network are unloading at the Northwest Executive Entrance. It is time for watermelon. C.J. You know a guy named Chris Whitaker? BRUNO Widdle? C.J. Whitaker. BRUNO Whitkenstein? C.J. Are you drunk? BRUNO A little bit. C.J. Chris Whitaker. BRUNO Is a pollster I contracted for Cook County. C.J. He was just on TV claiming credit for your energy strategy. Bruno isn't listening to C.J. because he's looking at Ashley. BRUNO Huh? C.J. He's claming credit for the energy strategy and who knows what else. BRUNO Whitkenstein? C.J. Bruno. BRUNO What do I care? C.J. I think you should talk to some reporters. You are entitled to the status you've earned. BRUNO The only thing I need status for... I'm doing right now. C.J. I'm going to be watching this guy. BRUNO No, you don't have to watch him... C.J. We owe you, Bruno. BRUNO No. I got paid. But thanks. I'm going to talk to Ashley now. C.J. I'm going to be watching this guy. BRUNO I'm going to be talking to Ashley. C.J. Okay. Bruno walks away and C.J. spots Donna. C.J. Donna. DONNA Yeah. C.J. You might want to tell Josh that a few carlaods of women... Josh comes running through the doors to the exit. DONNA Yeah, he knows. C.J. Okay. AMY [OS] Josh. JOSH Hang on. A couple people from the Womens Leadersip Coalition just... He turns around and sees Amy standing there. JOSH Yes, hello. AMY Hello. AMY It's a target-rich environment and I don't want to cramp your style. I just wanted to stash my coat in your office. JOSH Sure. AMY Come here. She kisses his cheek. AMY Congratulations. JOSH Thanks. AMY You owe me ten dollars on the Delaware 1st, ten dollars on Iowa 5th. They walk through the COMMUNICATIONS OFFICE. AMY [CONT] We pushed across the Mountain states and I lost Arkansas and the Georgia Legislature, but you went twenty on the Michigan gubernatorial. JOSH How you doing on the night? AMY Right now, I'm only up ninety, but there's a waste disposal bond issue in Jasper, Alabama that's going to put me in a new pair of Manolos if it breaks my way. JOSH So the guys at Lexington and Concord, they didn't die in vain. AMY Yeah, no way. JOSH Want to hear the funniest thing? A week ago, Sam told Horton Wilde's widow that he'd run in his place. AMY I know. JOSH You heard? AMY Yeah. JOSH All these events conspired to... like the DNC gave up on the race so the RNC left town, leaving no one to read the exits... AMY Want me to open your door? JOSH I can do it. The President won the Midwest and there was depressed Republican turnout in the district 'casue it was never a race... They end up in JOSH'S OFFICE. AMY Will Bailey also. JOSH I keep hearing that name. AMY I've helped him raise money. JOSH For a dead candidate, of course you did. Anyway, Sam's desperately trying to get ahold of the widow so he can have the worst conversation of his life. He's... just going to have to say... AMY He should do it; that's actually what I came here to tell you. JOSH What do you mean? AMY He should run. JOSH He'll get killed. AMY Yeah, but tomorrow morning, you're going to face a very angry minority who don't feel the President did enough to make them the majority. JOSH Angry House Democrats. I'm shivering, hold my hand. AMY I'm saying... JOSH You know what, the President's coattails were long enough to elect a Democrat out of Orange County with literally no pulse. Any Congressman complaining... AMY Will be smoothed over... JOSH Who has to... AMY Will be smoothed over if the President sends a top lieutenant still shining from victory on a suicide mission to Disney's California Adventure. JOSH You're ahead 90 bucks? AMY And it's still very early. JOSH All right, give me your coat. Amy takes off her coat and has on a short red dress that leaves Josh speechless. JOSH What? AMY I didn't say anything. JOSH Okay, your coat will be here. AMY I'm going to go collect money. JOSH Enjoy. Amy leaves his office and Josh paces back and forth muttering to himself. JOSH Donna! DONNA How'd you know I was out there? JOSH I felt you lurking. I want to try to find a guy named Will Bailey with the Wilde campaign in Newpport Beach. DONNA Yeah. CUT TO: EXT: OUTSIDE A BUILDING - NIGHT MARRIOT NEWPORT BEACH There's a party going on inside the building and Will is walking along the sidewalk. MAN Congratulations. Way to go, Will. WILL Thanks. Thanks for your hard work. Don't know who you are. Elsie comes running out of the building. ELSIE Will! WILL I'm going to sleep. ELSIE Come back to the party. WILL I'm going to sleep. ELSIE Now? WILL Any second. ELSIE It's the greatest night of your life, and you're going to sleep? WILL Special reward. ELSIE It's the shank of the evening and there are all kinds of volunteers that want to dance with you and you know what that means. WILL Dance? I think I do. ELSIE Are you ever going to enjoy yourself? WILL I just beat Chuck Webb, that was a pretty good time. ELSIE Yes, you did. I'm so proud that you're my brother. WILL Me, too. I mean, me too. You know what I mean. ELSIE You sure you don't want to come back for a little bit? WILL I can't stand up anymore. ELSIE Okay. Sleep well. WILL Thanks. Don't be wearing that dress all in front of... Ah, never mind. CUT TO: INT: HOTEL HALLWAY - NIGHT Will walks down the hallway and enters his room where the telephone is ringing. He turns on the light and answers the phone. WILL Yeah? JOSH [VO] Will, this is Josh Lyman. Congratulations. WILL You too, Mr. Lyman. It's a great night for you. JOSH I want to talk to you for a minute about Sam. WILL Uh, sure. I wonder though, is there any chance could talk first thing in the morning? It's been a pretty long few months. JOSH I-I understand completely, Will. WILL Thanks. JOSH Let me just ask you this: What are the President's unfavorables in the 47th? WILL I'm sorry? JOSH I'm trying to get a sense of what happens when Sam gets tagged with Bartlet fatigue. WILL No, I understand. I just don't have the facts and figures. JOSH Sure. WILL I can call you in the morning from the office... JOSH I just assumed 'cause most operatives can recite that kind of thing, you know, at the upper levels. WILL The President has a 42/48 favorable/unfavoralbe with a 12-point gender spread. "Shares our values," 37/58, "Handling of economy," 41/51. JOSH "Strong Leader"? WILL 37/44. CUT TO: INT. JOSH'S OFFICE - NIGHT JOSH Thank you. Josh walks out of his office out into his BULLPEN where Donna is at her desk. JOSH Can you find Leo for me? DONNA Yeah. She picks up the phone and dials. DONNA It's Donna. I have Josh looking for him. Thanks. Donna hangs up the phone and spots Jack Reese holding boxes wandering around searching for something. DONNA You lost? JACK Hey, I know you. DONNA Yeah. JACK You work here? DONNA Yeah. JACK You didn't tell me that. DONNA Let me see your slip. I'm sure you're over in Dr. McNally's wing. JACK Navigation was never my strong area in school. DONNA You had to study it? JACK Yeah, a lot. DONNA Where'd you go to school? JACK Annapolis, Maryland. DONNA Of course, I'm sorry. It's this way. I'll take you. JACK Thanks. They walk into the LOBBY. DONNA Why don't you give me a carton? JACK No, no. So you guys having a party or something? DONNA Uh-huh. Yeah. We won an election. JACK I heard. Congratulations. DONNA Isn't this a strange time to be moving into your office? They walk by the HALLWAY. JACK I'm the 2 a.m. watch commander in the Situation Room tonight. Why didn't you tell me you worked for the White House? DONNA I didn't want you to feel awkward about voting for Ritchie. JACK I didn't vote for Ritchie. DONNA 'Cause you traded me, but your intent was to vote for Ritchie. JACK Yes. They now walk in the BASEMENT HALLWAY. DONNA And I didn't want you to feel awkward about it. JACK I appreciate that. DONNA So why the hell were you going to vote for Ritchie? JACK My role here isn't political. DONNA Is that what they told you to say if somebody asked? JACK Well, people usually don't ask. DONNA That's true. So why were you going to vote for Ritchie? JACK I think this is my door, right here. DONNA It is. JACK Uh, would you mind? DONNA Oh. She opens the door for Jack as his hands are full. They enter JACK'S OFFICE. JACK Okay. DONNA It's freezing in here. JACK I appreciate your help. Thanks a lot. DONNA You bet. So, why were you vo...? JACK Pentagon procurement. DONNA What about it? JACK The President campaign saying he'd roll it back. DONNA He wasn't talking about your job, or weapons. He was talking about... $500 screwdrivers. The telephone rings. JACK Excuse me. He picks up the phone. JACK Lieutenant Commander Reese. DONNA I'm just asking out of curiosity. I mean you're not in favor of... JACK Thank you. (hangs up phone) They're calling me to work early. DONNA What's going on? JACK I don't know. Sounds like there's about to be a coup d'etat in Venezuela. DONNA Well, you should go do that then. JACK Yeah. DONNA Yeah, be careful. JACK Uh, thanks, but I'm just going downstairs. DONNA Still. JACK Okay. FADE OUT. END ACT TWO * * * ACT THREE FADE IN: INT. THE SITUATION ROOM - NIGHT NSA There's a cable intercept out of Punto Fijo out of Miraflores. LEO A request to speack to Ignacio? NSA Yeah, and there's a cellular intercept that has Genral Martinez at the palace calling General Reyesat the refinery. LEO And? NSA The request was denied. LEO Yeah, that wasn't really a high percentage phone call, was it? NSA No. Jack enters the Situation Room. WHITCOMB Leo. this is Lieutenant Commander Jack Reese. He's Nancy McNally's new man in uniform. LEO Welcome, Commander. When did you start? WHITCOMB He started about ten seconds ago, Leo. This is his first night. LEO All right, let me say first this is not a drill. JACK Yes, sir. LEO Leo. Major Carson from SOUTHCOM; Adam Hallridge, CIA Venezuela Desk; Troop, Assistant Secretary for Latin American Affairs; and some other people. Ignacio's two top generals-- Martinez and Rojas-- threw their support behind Luna, and Martinez placed Ignacio and his Vice-President under arrest. JACK Does their control extend beyond Caracas? WHITCOMB No. Ignacio's got the PDVSA refinery at Punto Fijo. LEO There's 63 Americans in the refinery. WHITCOMB Mr. McGarry need you to call the pertinent intelligence data and put together a two-page briefing he can give the President. So, how much time do you need? JACK Um... three hours? Everyone in the room begins to laugh. LEO 20 minutes, son. CUT TO: INT. In the Wyatt Victory Party, things are beginning to wind down. Toby is sitting at a table when Andy walks up and sits down. TOBY "My ex-husband, Toby Ziegler, and I are expecting twins in May. We thank you for your good wishes and ask for privacy while we consider... reconciliation." Two sentences. ANDY Actually, that's good. TOBY Yeah. ANDY It is. TOBY Harmless. ANDY Yes. I'll tell you what. I'll issue that statement and that'll be that. TOBY Thank you. ANDY Okay. Toby, wake up. Wake up, time to go to school. TOBY Oh, what is the problem? ANDY You raise your voice to a pregnant woman? TOBY I didn't raise my voice. ANDY It was in your inflection. TOBY Was it? ANDY It is not a matter of national security that the public know. I do not waive my Fourteenth Amendment rights. TOBY Fourteenth Amendment protects you from state action, and not the media, who, by the way, have their own Amendment. ANDY There are two dozen members of Congress over the age of eighty. They work on Tuesdays, and no one tonight is questioning their job performance. TOBY First of all, three of those guys are outstanding Congressmen. Second of all their constituents knew they were eighty when they voted for them. ANDY You think I wouldn't have been elected if the Maryland 5th knew I was pregnant? TOBY The people who elected you aren't the ones who are going to throw the picnic. ANDY I know. TOBY Then what's the problem? ANDY I can't stand the ones who are. You know I'm going to get sued. I mean, you know it. The Citizens' League for a Rooty-Tooty Freedom Liberty. They'll work out of a strip mall in Sarasota, but they'll be curiously well-funded. TOBY You're not trying to avoid a fight. ANDY Nope. TOBY You're looking for one. ANDY Yeah. TOBY You're sniffing around for a fight. ANDY Yes. TOBY Not sniffing around for one as much as... trying to create one. Trying to create trouble where none existed. ANDY Yes. TOBY Well, I can admire that. ANDY Honey, have you told the Bartlets? TOBY No. ANDY Why not? TOBY I came up with a plan to tell them apart in the initial months. ANDY I think I'll probably dress them differently. TOBY Oh, Okay. I was going to hang little signs around their necks. ANDY Why haven't you told them? TOBY I don't know. CUT TO: INT. LOBBY - NIGHT ANNETTE There's a thing, "The biggest lies are told after sex, before..." something. BRUNO Well, I think it's helpful if lies come before sex. But, "The biggest lies come after the hunt, before marriage, and during elections." ANNETTE Mark Twain? BRUNO Nice to meet you. Bruno Gianelli. ANNETTE You're funny. BRUNO Yeah. ANNETTE Does winning make you funny? BRUNO Losing makes you funny. Winning makes you handsome. ANNETTE Well, you must win an awful lot. C.J. Bruno? BRUNO Excuse me. He walks over to C.J. BRUNO I am, uh... I'm just going to kill you. C.J. She seems nice. BRUNO That's "The Brunette named Annette." C.J. Wouldn't you just give anything if she was from Tibet? BRUNO I'm actually fine with her being from Philidelphia, so please state your business. C.J. Whitkenstein. BRUNO I don't believe this. C.J. It's going to be the start of a press tour. BRUNO Don't you want to enjoy the party? C.J. I'm going to leak some internal campaign memos. BRUNO Listen, I think it's good this guy is talking. He doesn't know anything. The process story won't last as long. C.J. I don't care. We can... BRUNO C.J. C.J. I know how to do this. I can end a process story and correct the record at the same time. BRUNO Look at me. C.J. What? BRUNO We won. It's over. C.J. In a poll taken three days after the MS announcement, the President lost to Ritchie by nine points. He won by 11. You did it. BRUNO It helps when you cook with the right food. But at midnight, my contract with Bartlet for America expired. I'm taxpayer now, and I'm telling you, I've got bigger problems than who gets credit for a win, and I'd rather the White House not spend time on it. C.J. Okay. Hey... if you want to come back to my office, there's an actual still. BRUNO I heard. I'll be there. C.J. Okay. BRUNO Hey, speaking of credit, nice win. C.J. walks from the lobby into the HALLWAY where she runs into Josh and Amy. JOSH Listen, can I talk to you for a minute? C.J. Yeah. JOSH I've been talking to a few people, and... I-I don't know, I think maybe Sam should run. C.J. I've been thinking about that, too. JOSH When the dust settles what's the story going to be? C.J. That we didn't take back the House. JOSH Yeah, like that was our fault. These people make me crazy. "He-he didn't do enough down-ticket campaigning." You have any idea how much gumbo that man ate? AMY This is what you do, you bounce off the subject. A waiter comes walking by with a platter of shrimp. AMY Oh, shrimp. C.J. I don't think running for Congress is the thing you do to change the story. JOSH I know, but there are real reasons. We give Democrats in the 47th something to get excited about. C.J. You think he should run? AMY I do. This shrimp is incredibly good. JOSH What are you doing here? AMY I'm your wingman. JOSH Okay. Toby enters. TOBY Hello. C.J. Hey. AMY Toby, I'm afraid you didn't have a very good night. TOBY I bet against a Puerto Rican for Bronx Borough President. I deserve to lose. AMY And you took a hit, ironically on a Wisconsin referendum to legalize gambling. But you did win four Omaha steaks on the over-under in the Texas Farm Commissioners race. JOSH Does the U.S. Attorney's Office know about you? AMY Yeah, they have me on file. JOSH Can we talk to you for a minute? TOBY Actually, I'm going to, uh, talk to the President and First Lady. Can it wait? C.J. You going to tell them? TOBY Yeah. C.J. Can we come? TOBY No. They're still up, right? C.J. Yeah. Toby leaves. AMY Jimmy Fitzsimmons won the Boston Mayor's race by 51 points, and believe it or not, did not beat the spread. JOSH I think he should do it. CUT TO: INT. JACK'S OFFICE - NIGHT Jack enters his office and hears a grunting sound. JACK Hey. DONNA Hi. JACK Uh, do you work on the maintenance staff? DONNA No, I'm senior assistant to Josh Lyman. He's the Deputy Chief of Staff. I noticed that the room was cold before so I loosened up the radiator, but... Then, well, I guess you can say I broke it. But it's fine now. It should be fine. Well, I doubt it. JACK The building has maintenance, though, doesn't it? DONNA They're having fun at the party. JACK Oh. DONNA So... everyone's safe in Venezuela? JACK Yeah. DONNA $500 screwdrivers is why you didn't vote for the President? JACK I work for the President. That's a lot. DONNA It's wasteful spending. JACK No, it's not. DONNA A $400 ashtray? Jack picks up a wrench and smashes an ashtray that's on his desk. It breaks into three large chunks. DONNA What was that? JACK A $400 ashtray. It's off the U.S.S. Greenville, a nuclear attack submarine and a likely target for a torpedo. When you get hit with one, you've got enough problems without glass flying into the eyes of the navigator and the Officer of the Deck. This one's built to break into three dull pieces. We lead a slightly different life out there and it costs a little more money. DONNA I can't believe you broke a $400 ashtray. JACK Yeah, I wish I hadn't done that. It's... 'cause you're blonde. DONNA How'd it go in the Sit Room? JACK Not my finest hour. DONNA You want to go to the party? JACK I still got the watch. DONNA Okay. Can you glue that thing back together? JACK No. They'll page me up at the party, right? DONNA Yeah. JACK Okay. Jack and Donna leave to go to the party. FADE OUT. END ACT THREE * * * ACT FOUR FADE IN: INT. THE PRESIDENT'S BEDROOM - NIGHT BARTLET As you can see, we've moved on to the caviar course. ABBEY I love caviar. BARTLET I know how you do. Stoli Cristall, the most elegant of vodkas. He hands a glass to Abbey, and they drink. BARTLET The caviar itself is a product of my advice at the Convention on International Trade in Endangered Species. We passed a much more stringent bill against the poaching of Caspian Sea sturgeons. ABBEY This is Oklahoma caviar? BARTLET California white sturgeon from the Stillman Sea Farm in Elverta. Only the best. ABBEY Stop, it's getting hot in here! BARTLET Oh, I think you're going to find... There's a knock at the door. BARTLET Excuse me. Bartlet goes and opens the door. CHARLIE Good evening, Mr. President. BARTLET How you doing? CHARLIE I'm fine, thank you, sir. I'm sorry, but Leo needs to see you. BARTLET Okay. Anyone else? CHARLIE Yes, sir, then Toby. BARTLET Yeah. You're young, Charlie. Don't you want to be having fun right now? CHARLIE Yes, sir, but I work for you. BARTLET I get that a lot. Leo. LEO Good evening, sir. BARTLET Yes? LEO You look sharp. BARTLET Thank you. LEO Hey, Abbey? ABBEY Hi, Leo. BARTLET What happened? LEO It sounds like Commando Especial units under Luna broke into the refinery and took control. BARTLET The Americans? LEO They're safe. It's over. BARTLET Yeah. Well, we kind of knew it was going to be like this. LEO Yes, sir. BARTLET Jordan still here? LEO Yeah. BARTLET All right, have a good night. LEO You know Toby's lurking out here, right? BARTLET Yeah. Toby! LEO Thank you, Mr. President. [exits] TOBY Good evening, sir. BARTLET Hi. TOBY Good evening, Mrs. Bartlet. That's a lovely housecoat you're wearing. ABBEY Thank you. BARTLET Listen, I'm kind of in the middle of something. Is this anything that could possibly wait until tomorrow? TOBY Of course it is, Mr. President. I'm sorry. Really, I stopped by 'cause I hadn't told you that Andy's pregnant. It's twins, and of course, I'm the father. BARTLET Well, that's great. Well done. See you tomorrow. TOBY Yeah. Bartlet closes the door. ABBEY Jed. Toby! Get in here. Bartlet opens the door and Toby enters. BARTLET (to Toby) I was this close. ABBEY Andy's pregnant? TOBY Yeah, it's, uh, twins. A boy and a, um, uh, a girl. ABBEY That is the most wonderful news. I'm going to cry. BARTLET You should marry that girl, Toby. TOBY I'm doing my best, sir. ABBEY How far along is she? TOBY End of May. I have a picture. BARTLET Wait a second. End of may? ABBEY (looking at picture) Oh, boy. This is going to... oh... BARTLET Hang on, I'm doing math in my head. Yeah, end of May? Why didn't you tell us until now? ABBEY Jed, he doesn't need a reason. BARTLET Yeah, but he's got one. TOBY The truth is, I don't, sir. At least not a good one. I was intimidated by your Catholicism. BARTLET Really? TOBY Yeah. BARTLET It's my Catholicism, Toby. It works for me. ABBEY And me. BARTLET And her. Did you break any laws? TOBY No, sir. BARTLET Then a blessing on your house, young man. Mazel tov. TOBY Thank you, sir. Thank you, ma'am. BARTLET Okay. TOBY Is that caviar there? ABBEY Not really, no. BARTLET Let's go. CUT TO: INT. LOBBY - NIGHT C.J. is getting a cup of coffee when she overhears a man talking. CHRIS WHITAKER [OS] I told Leo McGarry that. I said education is the silver bullet. That's what this election is about. We went in the field, we came up with the middle class tax cut that made sense, plus, the 100% tax deductible tuition... C.J. Excuse me. Chris Whitaker, right? WHITAKER Yeah, yeah. C.J. Thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. WHITAKER Well, thank you. C.J. No, please. We're all impressed with how influential you were, particularly when you consider that most of us have never met you. But what I'm most grateful for is the process story, which takes attention from the debate, and focuses it where it belongs, which is the contest. This is the story everyone'll be clamouring for and I like that you're filling that need. And to show my gratitude, I'm calling all the major news outlets and letting them know that I'll be forwarding all your confidential memos to the President, logs of all your calls with him, Secret Service logs of your meetings inside the White House. WHITAKER I really pissed you off, huh? C.J. Don't disrespect Leo McGarry and Bruno Gianelli. C.J. walks away into the HALLWAY where she spots Sam. C.J. Sam. SAM I was just on my way. What do you guys think? C.J. We need to talk to you. They walk into C.J.'S OFFICE. SAM Talk to me about what? C.J. We think you should run. SAM Why? Why would you think something like that? C.J. Well, it was Josh's idea. JOSH Actually, it was Amy's. SAM Why? AMY Well, I picked a trifecta with the California 47th, the sheriffs race in Arizona and the Tulsa Family Court. SAM Well, can I just give you the money and not... AMY I also think you'd be a home run choice. You're going to raise a lot of money. I'm going to help you and I have a hunch the President, who just won a landslide, will be making some visits as well. You'll be the best funded Democrat ever run in 47. You're not going to win, so you can't lose. JOSH I think you'd energize the state party. We're not going to let you look like a fool. We won't allow it. SAM (to Toby) What do you think? TOBY I don't think you should do it. Energizing the state party's good. A well-funded airing of the issues is good. So is mollifying House Democrats, but you have to ask yourself, is it worth it? You're going to lose. A Democrat's always loses in the 47th. Can't just pick up and try someplace else. They have a name for that. SAM I don't know. I don't know. I worked in a State Asembly race in Manhattan in a district where Democrats outnumbered Republicans 16 to 1. But everywhere we went, there'd be one lone poster of a right-wing nutbar who wanted to to eliminate the income tax. And he was holding up signs and canvassing everywhere and bugging the local reporters until we had to comment on it. So I introduced myself to his campaign manager, and I said, "What are you doing? Your candidate doesn't have a chance and neither do your issues." He said, "This is what I believe. And no candidate gets to run in my district without speaking to my issue." I came this close to voting for him. So... I don't know about what you just said. TOBY Then I think you should win. There's a knock on the door. Bonnie enters. BONNIE I'm sorry. I finally got Mrs. Wilde on the phone. SAM All right. C.J. "All right," what? SAM All right. And get me Will Bailey on the phone, too. You think he's still up? C.J. No problem. JOSH Oh, yeah. SAM I'm going to take this call. JOSH We'll go with you. CUT TO: INT. LEO'S OFFICE - NIGHT Jordan is lying on the couch when Leo walks in, she sits up. LEO Boy, you're in the Air Force, the private sector, the Labour Department, two Presidential campaigns, and rehab, and you think you've seen it all but it turns out you haven't. 'Cause Sam Seaborn is going to be the Democratic candidate for Congress in Orange County. JORDAN I know. I think it's terrifc. But I would have thought you'd be unhappy. LEO Why? JORDAN He's going to get crushed, and I don't think it would reflect well on you boss. LEO Well, let me tell you something about process, Dr. Kendall, and I'll do so while tuning this radio to WNKW, "The Music Of Your Life..." and begging the sun for one more moment of moonlight. LEO Speaking of the moon. Luna took power tonight. About three dozen people are dead, and Ignacio's under arrest. He'll be dead soon. JORDAN Well... Luna's who you wanted. LEO The process matters more than the outcome and that's what we wanted. And therein endeth the lesson. Will you dance with me? JORDAN Yes. Jordan and Leo dance to the music as we pan out of the room. DISSOLVE TO: END TITLES. FADE TO BLACK. THE END * * * The West Wing and all its characters are a property of Aaron Sorkin, John Wells Production, Warner Brothers Television and NBC. No copyright infringement is intended. Episode 4.08 -- "Process Stories" Original Airdate: November 13, 2002, 9:00 PM EST Transcript by: ck1czar April 22, 2003